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Pride and Petulance The story continues - Barbara Wright tells the toddlers the story of Pride and Prejudice, with help from UNIT and others. In which Mr Collins arrives, to the shock of Mr Bennet (Third Doctor) and Mr Wickham takes a bow. And Mr Darcy is forced to dance. (Poor Brigadier! :-D) * NARRATOR In the meantime, Mrs Bennet hatches a plot to try and kill her eldest daughter in pursuit of Mr Bingley, by sending her out in the rain to visit Netherfield. She's ill for a while and Mr Darcy and Elizabeth get a chance to get better acquainted, while Jane and Mr Bingley are very much in love but too shy to tell each other, but the way this is going, I'll think we'll move on swiftly to the day that Mr Bennet received a letter... MR BENNET / THIRD DOCTOR Look, a letter. MRS BENNET / NANCY[tucking into her roast fungus] Who's it from, dear? MR BENNET Someone I have never met. JANE / LIZ That doesn't narrow it down all that much. LIZZY / SARAH Oh, yes it does. It certainly can't be any famous person, for a start... MR BENNET It's from my cousin, Mr Collins, who, after I am dead, may throw you all out of this house as soon as he chooses. MRS BENNET [placidly] Don't talk to me about Mr Collins. I don't want to hear anything more about Mr Collins. NARRATOR Mrs Bennet, could you at least *try* to sound like an annoying, over- excitable, foolish woman? MR BENNET [in alarm] Does she have to? NARRATOR Well, it would help. MRS BENNET [trying, but not succeeding] Don't talk to me about Mr Collins! I don't want to hear anything about Mr Collins ever again! MR BENNET That's a shame, because he's coming for dinner today. * NARRATOR Mr Collins, arrived, full of a desire to please everyone, especially his fair cousins. MR COLLINS [stepping in through the front door] What a charming abode, Mr Bennet. And what amiable daughters you have. MR BENNET [standing back in shock] Good grief, it's the Master! MR COLLINS [remaining firmly in character with a certain malicious pleasure] Cousin, what can you mean? I would never count myself as master of this house until *after* you are dead - which, I do hope, will not be for some considerable time! MR BENNET I suppose you'd better come in, if you must. But let me tell you here and now that you're not marrying any of my - er - daughters! MR COLLINS I only intend to right the wrongs done to my fair cousins if it is within my power. Lady Catherine - whom I'm sure I mentioned in my letter to you - hit upon the idea and I do feel that it is only a just one. Don't you, my dear - er - cousin? MR BENNET No, I think it's nauseating. NARRATOR One last warning, Mr Bennet, or it'll be detention for you, as well. MR BENNET [still glaring at the Master] Well, well, what an amusing fellow. Do come in and have a meal with us and then propose to any one of the five that takes your fancy. NARRATOR Right, Mr Bennet, half an hour's detention. MR BENNET Oh, come now, Barbara - Harry only got ten minutes for hitting the Brigadier! NARRATOR Yes, but you're being deliberately obstructive to the story. Please! MR BENNET So you'd rather I helped the Master in his plot to marry Sarah Jane? NARRATOR You know it doesn't work out that way. * NARRATOR Before Mr Collins could propose (after a word with Mrs Bennet about which daughter to try), the girls went for a walk into Meryton and met someone else... MRS BENNET [leaning conspiratorially near MR COLLINS] By the way, it's no use looking at Jane like that, since we hope every day that she will be engaged to Mr Bingley. But Lizzy isn't interested in anyone. [Winks] MR COLLINS Thank you, Mrs Bennet. I shall bear it in mind. LIZZY [walking to Meryton with JANE, MR COLLINS, MARY, KITTY and LYDIA] [To JANE] I think I'm going to scream. At the moment, I've got a choice of the Master or the Brigadier. Things are getting desperate. LYDIA Look, there's Captain Denny - and who's that with him? [DENNY turns (played by CAPTAIN TURNER from 'The Invasion') along with MR WICKHAM] DENNY Allow me to introduce you to my friend Mr Wickham. MR WICKHAM [Who is MIKE YATES, pleased with himself and his role in the story] Hello, there. [Winks at LIZZY and LYDIA] [LYDIA starts laughing and is elbowed by LIZZY]. LYDIA Um, how *splendid* to meet you, Mr Wickham. NARRATOR The group were all talking together happily when MR BINGLEY and MR DARCY rode up. [There's a brief pause as everyone waits] MR DARCY If the narrator doesn't mind, I think we'd rather walk. NARRATOR As long as you get on with it! MR BINGLEY Hello, Miss Bennet! We were just on our way to Longbourn to see how you were. [MR DARCY spots MR WICKHAM and glares and storms off.] MR WICKHAM [shocked] The Brigadier's not Mr Darcy, is he? MR BINGLEY I'm afraid so. You should see my sisters, come to that. I mean, hello, Mr Wickham, but I've heard some stories about you and I'm not all that sure I want to be any better acquainted. MR WICKHAM Look, I had my reasons for what I did. NARRATOR I don't think we're sticking to the plot, are we? MR COLLINS Gentlemen, let's all be friends. MR WICKHAM It's the Master! NARRATOR Hadn't you noticed? LYDIA No, he was too busy flirting with us. MR WICKHAM And who can blame me? LIZZY Heh. [To JANE] What d'you think'll happen if I just run away? NARRATOR I heard that. * NARRATOR The next day, at her Aunt Phillips house in Meryton, Lizzy had a chance to further her new acquaintance. AUNT PHILLIPS / AUNT LAVINIA Hello, Lizzy. Come on in, while I meet my sister. [Whispering to Sarah] Who is she? I don't even recognise her. Some minor character, I presume? LIZZY Hark who's talking... * MR WICKHAM [all but rubbing his hands with glee at getting to be disrespectful to the Brigadier shortly] So, how long have you been acquainted with Mr Darcy? LIZZY About a month. He is a man of very large property in Derbyshire, I understand. MR WICKHAM Yes, his estate there is a noble one. A clear ten thousand per annum. And I know what I'm talking about - I've known him since my infancy. (Or maybe it just feels like that sometimes...) LIZZY Really? I'm surprised. MR WICKHAM You may well be surprised, Miss Bennet, after seeing the very cold manner of our meeting yesterday. Look, how well do you know Darcy? LIZZY As much as I ever wish to. I have spent four days in the same house with him, and I think him very disagreeable. Everyone here is disgusted at his behaviour. I think him a most ill-tempered man. MR WICKHAM Sounds good to me. Here comes the sob story. Would you believe, Miss Bennet, that his father was the best man who ever lived? He cared for me like his own son and promised me a living, but when he died Mr Darcy wouldn't let me have it. And I was so keen to be a vicar! LIZZY You should have found a good lawyer. I didn't think he was *that* bad. Now I'm shocked. MR WICKHAM Yes, and he's cruel to small, furry animals as well and - NARRATOR Mr Wickham! MR WICKHAM You can't say I'm not in character! Let me carry on, here. Yes, Miss Bennet, I've seen him myself - beating his horses and kicking his dogs. You were right to call him an ill-tempered man. But I won't be driven out of Meryton by his being here - I am prepared to face him. Let him be the one to run away! I'll think of something... LIZZY [admiringly] Oh, the cunning of the man! MR WICKHAM Anything else I can tell you? LIZZY Yes. What is his sister, Miss Darcy, like? MR WICKHAM Oh, as proud and as disagreeable as him, I'm afraid. LIZZY This is shocking. How could someone as amiable as Mr Bingley be friends with such a man? Are you acquainted with Mr Bingley? MR WICKHAM No. He arrived on the scene after I left. LIZZY He is a sweet-tempered, amiable, charming man. He cannot know what Mr Darcy is. MR WICKHAM Probably not, but Darcy can please where he chooses. He doesn't lack ability and he can converse happily when he thinks it worth his while. Do we have to talk about the bounder any longer? MR COLLINS [leans back in his chair towards them] I really should mention my dear patroness Lady Catherine de Bourgh at this point, I believe. LIZZY Thank you. MR WICKHAM Why's he being so helpful? LIZZY Shh! MR WICKHAM Oh, all right. Did you know that Lady Catherine de Bourgh is the - Mr Darcy's aunt? LIZZY No! She has recently given our cousin a living and he is most grateful. MR WICKHAM Her daughter is very rich and I believe that Lady Catherine intends that she will marry Mr Darcy. LIZZY [smugly] Poor Miss Bingley. Mind you, from what Mr Collins says, I suspect Lady Catherine is another arrogant, conceited sort of person. MR WICKHAM You've hit the nail on the head there. * NARRATOR Lizzy related all this to Jane later... JANE I don't believe it. LIZZY You better, 'cos it's true. JANE Well, Mr Bingley *must* have been imposed upon. It would be just like him to be taken in by some -. LIZZY You're supposed to be the sweet, good-natured one. JANE Sorry. In that case, I'm sure there has been a misunderstanding somewhere and all of them are perfectly nice. * NARRATOR The long-awaited ball at Netherfield arrived at last, with the unwelcome addition of Mr Collins, who insisted on engaging Lizzy for the first two dances. [Arriving at the ball, LIZZY stares at the UNIT troops, searching for MR WICKHAM, but with no luck.] CAPTAIN DENNY Sorry, Miss Bennet - Mr Wickham said that in the end he thought he'd rather not cause trouble by meeting a certain person here. LIZZY Drat that Mr Darcy! NARRATOR Her troubles were added to, when she agreed to dance with Mr Darcy. LIZZY Drat! Double drat! Now I've got to dance two dances with the Master, followed by one with the Brigadier! What did I do to deserve that? CHARLOTTE Isn't your cousin that nice man from Sirius 3? As for Mr Darcy, I daresay you will find him very agreeable. LIZZY Agreeable? Heaven forbid! To find a man agreeable whom one is determined to hate! Oh, help, here he comes! MR DARCY Miss Bennet. Come on, we may as well get this over with. LIZZY Yes. You don't dance too badly, Brig. Not as well as the Master, though... MR DARCY You don't get to be an officer without having to attend an official function or two, Miss Smith. I mean, Bennet. Thought I'd left all that sort of thing behind me, though. LIZZY You should be asking me some questions, to which I give you witty answers. MR DARCY Sorry, Miss Sm- Bennet. LIZZY One must speak a little, you know. It would look odd to be entirely silent for half an hour together. MR DARCY Half an hour?! * NARRATOR Later, Elizabeth found herself accosted by Miss Bingley. MISS BINGLEY So, I hear you've been taken in by that rogue Wickham. I suppose he forgot to tell you that he is the son of old Mr Darcy's steward. And I hear that he has treated Mr Darcy in a most infamous manner, but then you're all such a lot of gullible idiots! LIZZY His guilt and his parentage seem to you to be the same thing. I might have known you'd be into eugenics. He told me himself who his father was! MISS BINGLEY [sneering] Excuse me for interfering, then. It was kindly meant. A frivolous woman like you with little in the way of brains needs guidance. If you feel like that, suit yourself, but the man's an obvious liar. LIZZY [sticking her tongue out at the retreating back of MISS BINGLEY] Poor Harry and the Brig having to put up with that dreadful woman! * MR BENNET [taking his remaining daughters and wife to one side] Listen to me, everyone, I believe the plan is for us to behave as badly as possible and thoroughly humiliate Sarah Jane. Now, get to it! LYDIA Officers! Come on, Kitty - we can make them cups of tea! KITTY I'm not flirting with a load of redcoats! Doctor, tell them. MR BENNET Jamie, will you stop complaining and remember to call me 'Father'? You know, I remember one day when I was young, an old hermit said to me - KITTY Okay, okay, I'll flirt with the soldiers! MARY Is this the point to mention that I don't actually play the piano? And my singing's not that bad, really. I made quite a hit at the creche the other day. MRS BENNET I think that'll work nicely, cariad. I have to drink a little too much of my homemade dandelion wine, I believe. MR BENNET Something like that. Zoe - er - Mary, I'll stop you playing soon enough. Just get on with it and hope that the piano knows it. [Reflectively] That sounds familiar... MR COLLINS [joining them in the corner of the ballroom] Are you leaving me out of the family confab, my dear cousin? I believe I have to be obsequious to Mr Darcy and mention Lady Catherine yet again. MR BENNET My dear fellow, I don't care how many times you masquerade as a man of the cloth, I still don't trust you! NARRATOR [hastily] Which they did so well that Lizzy had nightmares about it for years afterwards. Especially Kitty flirting with the soldiers. * NARRATOR The next morning, Mr Collins asked for a word alone with Elizabeth. LIZZY [finding herself alone with MR COLLINS] Mr Collins, please excuse me, you can have nothing to say to me that anyone need not hear! MR COLLINS I believe I have to propose to you, my dear. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want the - Mr Bennet interfering at this point! LIZZY No, I won't marry you! MR COLLINS I believe it is the nature of fashionable females - LIZZY Really, I won't! If you go on, I shall scream. You do realise that this is completely ruining my favourite book, don't you? MR COLLINS I'm sorry to hear it. Personally, I prefer something with a little more bite, such as 'Dracula', but Miss Austen was an intelligent woman and I rate her works highly. I met her once, did you know? LIZZY Really? She must be about the one famous author the Doctor *hasn't* met. MR COLLINS Yes it was quite amusing, really. There was I, on the point of insinuating myself into a small English village - five to ten good families at the most - and she made a remark I found far too perceptive and I thought it better to leave before - NARRATOR [interrupting pointedly before the general chatting continues] Lizzy ran to her father, leaving Mrs Bennet to try and persuade Mr Collins that there was still some hope. [LIZZY runs to find MR BENNET, but MRS BENNET arrives shortly after.] MRS BENNET [still sounding calm] Mr Bennet, Mr Collins has proposed to Lizzy and she has refused him. Now he begins to say that he will not have her, either. MR BENNET Well, thank goodness for that. I mean, it seems a hopeless case, my dear. What do you want me to do about it? LIZZY I won't marry him! MRS BENNET Then I shall never see you again. NARRATOR Mrs Bennet, could you please try a little harder? MRS BENNET I'm just naturally an even, placid sort of person. I don't know why I got the role. I suppose it must be because they all call me 'Mum' at the Nuthutch. NARRATOR Well, now's your chance to be hysterical and over the top. You never know, you might enjoy it. MRS BENNET [with an effort] Then I shall never see you again! MR BENNET An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do *not* marry Mr Collins, and I will never see you again if you *do*. MRS BENNET Mr Bennet! [Tries her best to flounce out]. LIZZY Hey, did you know that the Master's met Jane Austen? MR BENNET My dear girl, you can't believe a word he says! I doubt if he's even so much as met Mrs Radcliffe... Part One - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five - Part Six
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