This Time Round / Then Do That Over: Position Vacant by V. Jewitt Everyone thinks it's time someone took over as Head Teacher at H G Wells, but Maxil is not impressed with the candidates... (Erm, yes, this is basically an extended bad joke. Feel free to join in!!) *** The Board of Governors (sometimes known as the High Council of Gallifrey) were, for once, unanimous and not only that but, most improbably, in agreement with Commander Maxil. “You’re right, Maxil,” said the Castellan, afterwards. “We need a proper head teacher. I’m not sure what education the pupils will be getting with you in charge.” He glowered, but said nothing. “So, yes, post the advertisements and get this sorted for once and for all,” he instructed carelessly, waving him out of the office. “Oh, and get me another cup of coffee while you’re at it…” * ‘Interrogation One.’ Miss Wright coughed politely as she saw what the Assistant Head had written on his notes. “Isn’t that meant to be ‘interview’?” “Yes, I was forgetting,” he said, crossing the word out. “It’s so much easier when you can point a gun at them and threaten torture if necessary.” The first candidate entered. * One “So,” summed up Maxil, heedless of his fellow interviewers Miss Wright and Mr Borusa, “first of all, I’d like to be clear as to which name you want to be known by, Mr Vader – or is it Mr Skywalker?” “Mr Vader, have you -?” Barbara tried, but to no avail. “Now, I’m going to be straight with you here,” continued Maxil remorselessly, “on the positive side, I like the voice and the look – should give our little horrors something to think about – but on the other hand, I see that you can’t guarantee that you won’t have a sudden crisis of conscience at inconvenient moments. And, with your family issues, how do you feel about parents’ evening? Plus, have you explored the potential effects of sonic devices on your life-support apparatus?” “Ah,” he said after a short test with a confiscated sonic screwdriver. “It seems not…” Borusa tutted, surveying the remains of the dark lord of the Sith. “Really, Maxil, that was a little careless of you.” * Two “While I don’t dispute that you have very successfully run a similar establishment, Mr Dumbledore, I do have some questions about your tendency to disappear at moments of crisis. Not really an ideal quality in a headmaster, is it?” Dumbledore smiled and opened his mouth, but didn’t get a chance to speak. “Plus, your colleagues comment on some outrageous examples of favouritism towards pupils and one particular house team. And is it true that you cancelled your equivalent of GCSEs on a whim one year?” Maxil shook his head as the famous wizard left, not noticeably disappointed. “Really. I don’t know why he bothered.” * Three “Yes,” Maxil said slowly and clearly, as he was talking to someone who appeared to be ancient and so - he assumed - hard of hearing, “I can see that obviously you’re in a different league to your lackey Vader, but – don’t take this personally, Emperor – you mention that your one weakness is a likeliness to be outwitted by teenagers and a crazy green alien. Now, in this school your biggest challenges will be dealing with teenagers and a crazy green alien. Well, you *must* see my concerns here -.” * Barbara glared at the acting head teacher. “This has been a farce.” “I know,” he agreed. “The quality of the candidates so far – I really must have a word with Miss Noble about the selection process.” She said coldly, “That is not what I meant. Why are teachers who have worked here from some time barred from applying? Mr Borusa and I -.” “You know what has happened to every single head teacher we’ve ever had,” he snapped. “What do you take me for? Lose my best teachers with real experience of what happens here – don’t be ridiculous!” Barbara sighed. “And could that be what’s wrong here?” “I know what this is about,” he said, his eyes narrowing. “This is about what happened to Chesterton, isn’t it?” “Of course not,” she said, her expression darkening. Maxil glared. “It is, isn’t it? It’s some crazy suicidal plan to be able to spend all your time lazing around back at the Round where, presumably, he’s alive and well. Hah! I’m not falling for that one. You get back in there and start coming up with some intelligent questions.” “Since you won’t stop for breath long enough for me to ask any, I don’t see the point,” she retorted majestically, but she swept off in the direction of his office. The acting head marched down to the school secretary’s office to see who was waiting. “Miss Noble?” Standing there was a familiar-looking figure in a patchwork, multi- coloured coat. “Absolutely not!” he said in horror. * The Sixth Doctor stalked away from H G Wells in high dugdeon. "I shall have to speak to my lawyer about his behaviour! Really, I've never met a more obnoxious, smug, fat-faced, idiotic -. Peri, what are you staring at me for?" "N-nothing," she said hastily, "just that you *are* your own lawyer, Doctor." He smiled at that. "Oh, yes. We'll I'm sure I'll find a way to deal with this miscarriage of justice." * Maxil gave Miss Noble his sternest look. "Miss Noble, if this sort of thing ever happens again, I shall have you fired. And when I say fired, I mean, marched up against the school wall and shot by the firing squad. Do you understand me?" Miss Noble finished the filing before deigning to reply. "And if you ever speak to me like that again, pigeon-face, I shall resign and by resign, I mean shove the feathers off your hat up your gob until they come out your nose. Is that clear?" "Well," he said slightly diminished, "in the mean time, shall we have the next candidate?" **** TTR is the creation of Tyler Dion, Then Do That Over of Paul Gadzikowski and the three candidates - can't imagine where they came from, but they certainly don't belong to me. Doctor Who is copyright of the BBC. Please feel free to continue if people like... I can't help but feel that everyone else will be able to think of funnier candidates!!