THIS TIME ROUND SONGFIC: NO MORE LITTLE MISS NICE GIRL by BKWillis (Music is to the tune of 'No More Mr. Nice Guy', by Alice Cooper.) [SCENE: Nyssa is standing in the parking lot of This Time Round, staring sullenly at the door. She has a black guitar case under her arm, and the various passers-by give it and her a wary look. After a moment, she sets down the case, opens it, and extracts a Fender Stratocaster guitar. She begins to play, even though she has no amplifier, yet the sound is quite clear. After a few notes, other instruments (unseen) start to join in. She sings...] o/~ I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing o/~ 'Til *they* got a-hold of me [SCENE: A group of fanfic authors are clustered around a table, all wild-eyed and slavering demonically as they feverishly write, occasionally letting loose with diabolical laughter. Doug Killings has the number '666' stamped on his forehead and is typing rapidly on a high-dollar laptop. Tony Velasquez is wearing a hockey mask and is using a meathook to tap on the keys of an ergonomic keyboard. BKWillis is in an unfastened straitjacket and is scrawling on a piece of cardboard with a red crayon while two large men in white uniforms stand guard with tasers. Other authors lurk in the shadows, howling for blood.] o/~ I opened doors for little, old ladies [SCENE: Nyssa is holding the door open for Roz, who glares at the author for being referred to that way. Roz steps through the door, and a moment later there is a tremendous explosion. Nyssa winces and looks sheepish as a very burned and battered-looking Roz staggers back through the door. She glares at Nyssa briefly before collapsing, smoldering slightly.] o/~ I helped the blind to see [SCENE: A blind beggar sits on a street corner. Nyssa walks up and claps a miner's helmet on his head and turns on the lamp on the front of it.] o/~ I got no friends 'cause they read the newsgroup o/~ They can't be seen [SCENE: Tegan and Turlough are walking through the park, when Nyssa spots them and waves. Both pull out paper bags and put them over their heads before waving back.] o/~ With me. And I've been real shot down and I'm o/~ Feelin' mean [SCENE: Nyssa is dressed in a hardsuit from 'Bubblegum Crisis' and is standing in the parking lot of This Time Round. A huge shadow looms over her, and just as she looks up, a barrage of energy blasts rains down on her. (Scene from 'Friendly Fire', by Doug Killings.)] o/~ No more Little Miss Nice Girl! o/~ No more Little Miss Cle-e-e-ean! o/~ No more Little Miss Nice Girl! They say, o/~ "She's sick! She's obsce-e-e-ene!" [SCENE: The first three Doctors are talking in a huddle. All three point at Nyssa a few feet away and mouth the words, "She's sick! She's obsce-e-e-ene!"] o/~ I got no friends 'cause they read the newsgroup o/~ They can't be seen [SCENE: A very sad-looking Nyssa is walking through a corridor on Terminus. She perks up as the Garm approaches from the other direction, then looks sad again when he quickly puts a paper bag over his head before greeting her.] o/~ With me. And I've been real shot down and I'm-- o/~ I'm gettin' mean [SCENE: A huge crater takes up much of This Time Round's parking lot. Puffs of smoke waft out of it. Suddenly, a group of thuggish-looking men appear, carrying an immobilized, hardsuit- clad Nyssa in their midst. They carry her to the edge of the crater and unceremoniously dump her in, then walk off laughing. (Scene from 'Access Limited', by Doug Killings.)] o/~ No more Little Miss Nice Girl! o/~ No more Little Miss Cle-e-e-ean! o/~ No more Little Miss Nice Girl! They say, o/~ "She's sick! She's obsce-e-e-ene!" [SCENE: Peri, Mel, and Susan are shaking their hips in time to the music. All point at Nyssa and wag their fingers as they mouth, "She's sick! She's obsce-e-e-ene!"] o/~ My dog bit me on the leg today [SCENE: Nyssa is walking along, then stops and looks down to see K-9 awkwardly bumping into her feet.] o/~ My cat clawed my eyes (Nice girl, ooooh!) [SCENE: Nyssa steps around K-9, only to have someone throw Wolesey on her head. She flings the cat away.] o/~ Step-Mom's been thrown out of the social circles [SCENE: On Traken, Consuls Luvic and Kotura shove Kassia out a door and slam it in her face. Dejected, she walks over to where the Melkur statue stands. The statue's eyes light up and it swiftly pulls out a paper bag and puts it over its head.] o/~ And Dad has to hide [SCENE: Tremas ducks into an alcove and peers fearfully out. He does not notice the rotted form of the Master standing behind him. As he peeks out into the hallway, the skeletal figure reaches for his shoulder...] o/~ Went to the pub incognito o/~ To have a drink or four [SCENE: Nyssa walks up to the door of This Time Round. She stands and regards the door for a moment, then pulls out a paper bag and puts it over her head before going inside.] o/~ But Barman Harry, he recognized me o/~ And chucked me out the door! [SCENE: Nyssa is rudely pushed out the door and a wadded-up paper bag is thrown out after her. Harry Sullivan appears in the doorway, shaking his finger at her and mouthing along with the closing choruses...] o/~ He said, "No more Mr. Nice Guy!" o/~ No more Mr. Cle-e-e-ean! o/~ No more Mr. Nice Guy!" He said, o/~ "You're sick! You're obsce-e-e-ene! o/~ "No more Mr. Nice Guy!" o/~ No more Mr. Cle-e-e-ean! o/~ No more Mr. Nice Guy!" He said, o/~ "You're sick! You're obsce-e-e-ene!" [SCENE: In the parking lot, Nyssa plays the last few notes of the song. A few people are standing around her, and they applaud politely and toss coins into the open guitar case. Nyssa bows to them, then pulls a pistol from behind her back and gestures at the case with it. The audience begins throwing more money as the scene fades out...] --BKWillis